Co-sleeping and human evolution

This may be a controversial post, but it shouldn’t be. For some reason we’ve completely demonized co-sleeping in the United States. But when we actually look at human nature, history, and the rest of the world, co-sleeping isn’t only okay, it’s normal and beneficial for baby and mom.

Let’s rewind, back to my senior year of college. I’m taking a class called “Evolutionary Biology” while deeply healing my first major trauma. This class was one of my favorites because it was extremely interesting, and though it mainly focused on animal, plant, and insect evolution, I couldn’t help but find parallels and feel curious about human evolution, especially around our brains and emotions.

One of my small presentations in this class was around the reason silverback gorillas’ penis sizes are decreasing due to their social structure…

But in my personal life I was experiencing flashbacks, panic attacks, lapses in memory, and intense emotional triggers, all related to a traumatic experience. I was intrigued by the way my brain seemed to attempt to protect me from my trauma by keeping me from remembering certain things. My scientific mind hypothesized that this was an evolved adaptation. Maybe in the distant past, cavemen or humans would go insane and be unable to carry on after extremely traumatic experiences fried their systems and minds. So, our minds evolved to protect us from trauma, withholding memories that are too much for us to process.

Anyways, what does this have to do with co-sleeping? Maybe not much, maybe everything. Evolution is pretty cool, and wild. I mean look at all the insane plant and animal behaviors that exist in nature. If you’re not an environmental science major and nature-lover like me, you might not think of many. How about birds evolving vibrant colors and songs, elaborate dance moves, and adorable rituals to attract mates? A forest’s intricate network of fungi which connects different species and shares messages and resources. Slugs magical hanging, twisty, slimy mating ritual (I’ve actually seen this in person and yes, I watched)! I mean just look at some animals like kangaroos, they have a pouch to carry their babies in?! And it climbs up into the pouch when it’s barely more than a clump of cells? Or frogs that literally freeze over the winter and come back to life in spring. I mean nature has evolved some crazy cool things in order to survive. And you know what? We are nature too. Ever thought about what traits we’ve evolved in order to survive?

We are 98% similar to apes according to DNA. We are carrying animals by nature, just like them, we breastfeed like them, and we’re meant to carry our babies when they’re young, just like them. What else do most all animals do with their young? They sleep with them.

Maybe you argue, “Well we’re humans, we’re AbOVe aNiMals.”

That’s where I’ll have to disagree. Sure, we’re conscious (well some of us are), and we’ve altered (cough cough destroyed) most of the planet, but does that make us superior?

*takes philosophical pause

I think we’re programmed to believe we are, just like we’re programmed to be hyper-independent. We force independence on babies and children before it’s biologically normal. Babies wake up throughout the night. Babies eat every few hours. These things are normal. Hell, I eat every few hours and I’m 30 years old. Why would I expect my tiny baby with a tiny stomach to stay full longer than me? Especially when he’s growing at an almost unfathomably fast rate? Waking up throughout the night is also protective against SIDS.

When it comes to co-sleeping, there is a lot of mom-shaming. (Side-note: becoming a mom has reminded me how much our society hates moms and women). The common finger pointing, “how dare you”, “you’re a terrible mom” statement is that co-sleeping causes SIDS. Yet, Japan has a high co-sleeping rate, it’s considered normal there, and it has the lowest rate of SIDS in the world. How can this be?

Co-sleeping doesn’t cause SIDS. Falling asleep unsafely with your baby can lead to suffocation or asphyxiation. Is co-sleeping for everyone? Absolutely not, but should we be shaming and demonizing it? Absolutely not.

There are safe ways to do it, like following the safe sleep 7. The safest way is to sleep on a firm, low or floor mattress, ensure that you are completely sober and not over tired, no pillows or blankets are anywhere near baby’s face, and ideally breastfeed. Breastfeeding is protective against SIDS.

***please do your own research and only do what feels right to you, there are many co-sleeping communities online that have lots of free information!

There is a phenomenon which can only be caused by thousands of years (if not many more) of evolution between moms and babies. So intriguing, it has been studied, and that is: the attunement of co-sleeping moms and babies. I experience this phenomenon on a regular basis. I am insanely in tune with my baby, EVEN WHILE I SLEEP. It’s so natural now that I often don’t remember most of our wake-ups and just wake up in the morning, vaguely aware that he slept well or woke up more than usual. It becomes a dance. The crazy thing scientists have found is the mother often wakes first, within a couple seconds of the baby. Before I had this experience validated by science, I questioned it, even though I experienced it myself, it seemed so wild. I often wondered what triggered me to wake up because my son hadn’t made a noise or even moved. That’s how in tune we become; our sleep cycles, our breathing, our temperatures, our heart rates. The second he moved or made the smallest noise, I was already there, responding before my conscious mind was even aware. And that has become our nightly experience, and it’s the reason I’m well rested even when he wakes or stirs throughout the night.

It’s also made things like teething, growth spurts or “sleep regressions” much easier or even unnoticeable.

This is just me expressing my personal beliefs and my personal experience. I think as a community, moms need less judgement and more honesty and support. I’ve felt fear and shame to share the fact that I co-sleep. When I was pregnant, I saw many people online joking about using their bassinet for laundry and expressing that they never planned to co-sleep, but their babies simply would not sleep alone. This planted the seed that led to me researching and eventually co-sleeping when I had the same experience. I think more people need to share their honest experiences and struggles to help others going through the same things.

I think it makes sense biologically and evolutionarily that babies are born expecting to co-sleep, feeling most safe when they can smell and feel and hear their caregiver while in a vulnerable state. That’s why they wake up, scan their environment and either: fall back asleep if you’re near, or start crying if they don’t see you (at least I experienced this often with my newborn). It’s instinct.

All this to say, if you’re struggling with sleep like most parents do, co-sleeping can be an option. Statistics say most people co-sleep at some point, they just don’t admit it to others, but why? Why the secrets, why the shaming? Who is this helping really? Not us moms.

*wonders if it’s all a ploy to keep us in opposition and separation

Nothing has made me crave community like motherhood. Nothing has made me want to support others, accept others, have compassion and empathy for others quite like motherhood has. “It takes a village,” they say, yet most of us don’t have one. How sad is that? How about we start showing up for each other by reducing our judgements and shaming and replacing them with truth-telling, compassion, and understanding. That’s what moms need, and that’s what moms deserve.

Okay I’ll step off my soap box now.

If you’re a mom, I see you, I support you, I love you, I believe in you, and you’re doing an amazing job even if you completely disagree with me. You do what feels best for you and your baby and I support it. Simple. We’re all different and we all mom different and that’s beautiful. How boring would it be if we all did it exactly the same??

Anyways, I hope you have a beautiful day.

Comment or reach out if you have any questions, thoughts, or just want to chat/connect! I promise no judgement, just love.