Co-sleeping and human evolution

This may be a controversial post, but it shouldn’t be. For some reason we’ve completely demonized co-sleeping in the United States. But when we actually look at human nature, history, and the rest of the world, co-sleeping isn’t only okay, it’s normal and beneficial for baby and mom.

Let’s rewind, back to my senior year of college. I’m taking a class called “Evolutionary Biology” while deeply healing my first major trauma. This class was one of my favorites because it was extremely interesting, and though it mainly focused on animal, plant, and insect evolution, I couldn’t help but find parallels and feel curious about human evolution, especially around our brains and emotions.

One of my small presentations in this class was around the reason silverback gorillas’ penis size are decreasing due to their social structure…

But in my personal life I was experiencing flashbacks, panic attacks, lapses in memory, and intense emotional triggers, all related to a traumatic experience. I was intrigued by the way my brain seemed to attempt to protect me from my trauma by keeping me from remembering certain things. My scientific mind hypothesized that this was an evolved adaptation. Maybe in the distant past, cavemen or humans would go insane and be unable to carry on after extremely traumatic experiences fried their systems and minds. So, our minds evolved to protect us from trauma, withholding memories that were too much for us to process.

Anyways, what does this have to do with co-sleeping? Maybe not much, maybe everything. Evolution is pretty cool, and wild. I mean look at all of the insane plant and animal behaviors that exist in nature. If you’re not an environmental science major and nature-geek like me, you might not think of many. How about birds evolving vibrant colors and songs, elaborate dance moves, and adorable rituals to attract mates? A forest’s intricate network of fungi which connects different species and shares messages and resources. Duck’s corkscrew penis, slugs magical hanging, twisty, slimy mating ritual (I’ve actually seen this in person and yes, I watched)! I mean just look at kangaroos, they have a built-in pouch to carry their babies in?! And the fetus climbs up into the pouch when it’s barely more than a clump of cells? Or frogs that literally freeze over winter and come back to life in spring. I mean nature has evolved mindblowing things in order to survive. And you know what? We are nature too. Ever thought about what traits we’ve evolved in order to survive?

Humans are a carrying species by nature, we share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees, and we’re actually in the ape family, biologically speaking. So, it makes sense that our babies are born expecting to be carried, close to us at all times, and breastfed, just like all of the other apes. What else do most all animals do with their young? They sleep with them.

Maybe you argue, “Well we’re humans, we’re AbOVe aNiMals.”

That’s where I’ll have to question. Just because we’re conscious (well some of us are), and we’ve greatly altered (cough cough destroyed) most of the planet, does that make us superior? What if we’ve only judged animals and plants based on our own idea of intelligence? Many of the plants and animals have been on this planet long before us. What if they have great intelligence that we just don’t understand and therefore can’t recognize?

*takes philosophical pause

I think we’re programmed to believe we’re superior, just like we’re programmed to be hyper-independent. We force independence on babies and children before it’s biologically normal. Babies wake up throughout the night. Babies eat every few hours. These things are all biologically normal. Hell, I eat every few hours and I’m 30 years old. Why would I expect my tiny baby with a tiny stomach to stay full longer than me? Especially when he’s growing at an almost unfathomably fast rate? Waking up throughout the night is also protective against SIDS.

When it comes to co-sleeping, there is a lot of mom-shaming. (Side-note: becoming a mom has shown me how much our society hates moms and women, or at the VERY least, was not built to support them). The common finger pointing, “how dare you”, “you’re a terrible mom” statement is that co-sleeping causes SIDS. Yet, Japan has a high co-sleeping rate, it’s considered normal there, and it has the lowest rate of SIDS in the world. How can that be?

Co-sleeping doesn’t cause SIDS. Falling asleep unsafely with your baby can lead to suffocation or asphyxiation. Is co-sleeping for everyone? Absolutely not, but should we be shaming and demonizing it? Absolutely not.

There are safe ways to do it, like following the safe sleep seven; sleeping on a firm, low or floor mattress without pillows or blankets near baby’s face, being sober and not over tired, and ideally breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is protective against SIDS and it creates more subconscious awareness of your baby.

***please do your own research and only do what feels right to you, there are many co-sleeping communities online that have lots of free information. I am not an expert of any kind and am not giving advice or recommendations, just sharing my personal experience and opinion.

There is a phenomenon which can only be caused by thousands of years (if not many more) of evolution between moms and babies. So intriguing, it has been studied, and that is: the attunement of co-sleeping moms and babies. Otherwise reffered to as: physiological synchrony. I experience this phenomenon on a regular basis. I am insanely in tune with my baby, EVEN WHILE I SLEEP. It’s so natural now that I often don’t remember most of our wake-ups/feeds and just wake up in the morning, vaguely aware that he slept well or woke up more than usual. It becomes a dance. The crazy thing scientists have found is the mother often wakes at the same time as her baby or even before, within a couple seconds of the baby. Before I had this experience validated by science, I questioned it, even though I experienced it myself. It seemed so wild. I often wondered what triggered me to wake up because my son hadn’t made a noise or even moved, at least to my conscious awareness. That’s how in tune we’ve become; our sleep cycles, our breathing, our temperatures, our heart rates. The second he moved or made the smallest noise, I was already there, responding before my conscious mind was even aware. And that has become our nightly experience, and it’s the reason I’m well rested even when he wakes or stirs throughout the night.

It’s also made things like teething, growth spurts or “sleep regressions” much easier or even sometimes, unnoticeable.

This is just me expressing my personal beliefs and my personal experience. I think as a community, moms need less judgement and more honesty and support. I’ve felt fear and shame to share the fact that I co-sleep. When I was pregnant, I saw many people online joking about using their bassinet for laundry and expressing that they never planned to co-sleep, but their babies simply would not sleep alone. This planted the seed that led to me researching and eventually co-sleeping when I had the same experience. I think more people need to share their honest experiences and struggles to help others going through the same things.

I think it makes sense biologically and evolutionarily that babies are born expecting to co-sleep, feeling most safe when they can smell and feel and hear their caregiver while in a vulnerable state. That’s why they wake up, scan their environment and either: fall back asleep if you’re near, or start crying if they don’t see you (at least I experienced this often with my newborn). It’s instinct.

All this to say, if you’re struggling with sleep like most parents do, co-sleeping can be an option. Statistics say most people co-sleep at some point, they just don’t admit it to others, but why? Why the secrets, why the shaming? Who is this helping really? Not us moms.

*wonders if it’s all a ploy to keep us in opposition and separation

Nothing has made me crave community like motherhood. Nothing has made me want to support others, accept others, have compassion and empathy for others quite like motherhood has. “It takes a village,” they say, yet most of us don’t have one. How sad is that? How about we start showing up for each other by reducing our judgements and shaming and replacing them with truth-telling, compassion, and understanding. That’s what moms need, and that’s what moms deserve.

Okay I’ll step off my soap box now.

I also want to note that no matter how you handle your baby’s sleep, whether you cosleep, sleep train, or your baby has happily slept alone since birth (lucky!), I support you doing what is best for you and your family.

If you’re a mom, I see you, I support you, I love you, I believe in you, and you’re doing an amazing job even if you completely disagree with me. You do what feels best for you and your baby and I support it. Simple. We’re all different and we all mom different and that’s beautiful. How boring would it be if we all did it exactly the same??

Anyways, I hope you have a beautiful day.

Comment or reach out if you have any questions, thoughts, or just want to chat/connect! I promise no judgement, just love.